The Final Countdown...

 

05/09/13…  It has been 365 days since I put this post-it note on my computer at work to remind me to call my Father every day at 9 am.  In retrospect, to me, this began the Final Countdown to the last days of his life on earth and passing on 06/06/13. 

 

In Alaska, the increasing hours of sunlight start in April so by this time of year it is possible to wake up and not know if it is night or day so the 9 am phone call helped him as a point of reference for his day.  He was desperate to hold onto his mental faculties as long as he could since he knew they were declining as the terminal lung cancer ravished his body and the amount of morphine, methadone and lorazepam he was prescribed for pain and anxiety, were also hastening the process. 

 

I now realize in my mind I had convinced myself he was going to be the one person who beat cancer even as I watched his physical and mental deterioration.  Even one year later, I can barely allow myself to reflect back on the events of the last 29 days of his life because it was one of the most anguishing experiences of my life.  Very few times have I felt so utterly helpless and useless because I could not make a situation better for someone who was in distress.   

 

Ultimately, however, I feel enormously blessed and am grateful to have had this experience of spending time with my Father and being by his side as he transitioned to his next life.   I hope my presence was a comfort to him and that he knew he was loved.